


Dammit, Jerry

by theleaveswant



Category: The Middleman (TV)
Genre: Awkwardness, Crack, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Other, Psychic Wolves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-15
Updated: 2012-02-15
Packaged: 2017-10-31 05:37:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/340509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theleaveswant/pseuds/theleaveswant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Middleman returns from a Middleconference to learn that Wendy has soulbonded with a psychic wolf named Jerry (CRAAAAAACK)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dammit, Jerry

**Author's Note:**

> ZOMG it's a Lupercalia MIRACLE! My widdle EeePC's hard drive crashed dramatically _just after_ I saved this fic to draft, so it is not trapped on a corrupted hard drive along with most of my other in-progress stories AND MY FUCKING THESIS INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPTS AAAAAAUGH. I mean, I'm glad I can still post this, but really, if only one thing had to escape in time, WHY THE HELL DID IT HAVE TO BE THIS? THIS IS _SILLY_ AND REALLY NOT VERY GOOD.

“Good morning, Dubby. I—Great Scott!” The Middleman exclaimed when he walked into his secret base and found himself staring at a very large, shaggy, grayish canine.

“Good morning, MM. How was your Middleconference?”

“It was fine, Dubby. What's . . .” He inclined his head subtly towards the creature, careful not to make any sudden moves. 

“Hm? Oh, that's Jerry. He's a psychic wolf. We're soulbonded. Jerry, you remember I told you about my boss.”

“Right . . .” the Middleman said. “How long have you and Jerry the psychic wolf been soulbonded?”

“Since about, um . . . late afternoon Saturday? Noser got one too—is 'got' the right verb?” Wendy asked the wolf as she walked around from the far side of the Hadar. “It feels a little objectifying. Acquired? Developed? There was a big bonding ritual before we helped them take out this wicked grumpy frost giant, and then Lacey and me threw this awesome heterospecific rooftop barbecue. It was sort of a busy weekend.”

Someone cleared their throat.

“Ida helped with the frost giant part.” Wendy dutifully appended. 

“I see.”

“I told Jerry I'd show him what we do here at Jolly Fats, and—” Wendy looked at the wolf again. “Yeah, I know. I was just getting to that.” She turned back to the Middleman. “I promised him that if he decided to come to work with us you wouldn't stick him with any silly titles containing the prefix 'Middle-'. No 'Middlemutt', no 'Middlemascot', nothing like that.”

“Jerry wants to come and work for us?”

“With us,” Wendy corrected. She shrugged. “Ida said it would be okay.”

“I said I'd consider a trial run. Have to make sure the wolf doesn't pick up any of your nasty habits through the psychic bond.” Ida silently mimed sucking on a joint, but she didn't seem to be making a comment on the 'psychic wolf named Jerry' situation as a whole so the Middleman guessed that part was legit.

Wendy continued speaking. “If even half of the stories Jerry's told me are true, he's got better superhero credentials than any other domesticated or cooperative non-human animal in the business.” 

The Middleman smiled benignly. “Not—”

“Even Rex the Wonder Dog.”

“Well, if that's the case . . . It's an honor to meet you, Jerry, and I do hope you'll consider joining us here at OH GOOD GRACIOUS.” The Middleman extended a hand for Jerry to shake, and before he even had the chance to consider whether or not that might seem a patronizing gesture to a soulbonded psychic wolf, Jerry had lunged from politely sniffing the Middleman's outstretched hand to thrusting his snout forcefully into the crotch of the Middleman's middletrousers. “That's, um—hoo boy.” The Middleman coughed and tried to back away but Jerry followed him, ears up and tail high.

“Jerry!” Wendy shouted, sounding scandalized. She marched towards them, glaring. “I'm really sorry, MM, I haven't seen him act like this with anyone—” 

She got close enough to grab a double handful of Jerry's thick ruff and start to haul him back away from the Middleman, then froze, her eyes going wide and out of focus. 

“Oh,” Wendy said, releasing Jerry and stepping in beside him, pressing her body flush against the Middleman's hip. “Oh, I see.”

“Dubby . . .” The Middleman said uncertainly as Wendy leaned in to sniff his neck and slide her flat palms over his chest and back, while Jerry apparently decided he'd smelled enough and rose up on his hind legs, forepaws hooking tightly around the Middleman's thigh for purchase as he began to hump his leg. “Dubby!” he repeated, voice rising in panic.

Ida rolled her eyes and muttered, “Mammals!” She put two fingers in her mouth and whistled with ear-splitting pitch and volume. “That's it, break it up!”

Wendy and Jerry both twitched as if they'd received a small electric shock and leapt away from the Middleman. Wendy stared at him, her eyes wide with horror and a hand clapped over her mouth, while Jerry paced a circle around the floor.

“That was all Jerry,” Wendy said, wagging a finger in the air to mark the point. “All of it. Because you know, we _all_ know,” she looked at Jerry threateningly, and he responded apologetically, flattening his ears and tucking his tail between his legs, “that I do not feel that way about you, at all. Right? Right.” 

Wendy exhaled slowly through her mouth, eyes locked on the wall past the Middleman's shoulder, then straightened her vest and walked out of the room. Jerry cast the Middleman another appraising glance, then trotted away after Wendy.

“I know,” the Middleman said softly, but they had already left.


End file.
